Saturday, November 14, 2015

Alexander Graham Hell

I like to mess with solicitors and scam artists who call me. I always think that the time they waste talking to me might save an elderly person from being scammed out of money. So any time I have some flexibility to play with them, I dive in deep and spend a good amount of time wasting theirs. Here's a recent example of how a call goes:

me: Hello?

man: Good morning, ma'am, I am calling blah, blah, blah

me: Tony? Is that you?

man: No, ma'am, I am calling about blah, blah, blah

me: I want my car back, Tony.

man: This is not a sales call. Blah, blah, blah

me: Don't play games with me, Tony. I wouldn't have let you take it if I knew you were going to disappear for two days. You better not bring it back with an empty tank again or I am gonna crack you over the head.

man: Uh, ma'am, I am not Tony but blah blah blah.

me, with a rising voice: Tony, I am not gonna take your crap. You bring that car back to me and bring it back today. And tell Helen that she better get her stuff out of my house or I'm going to thrown it in the front yard and let the dogs take a shit on it.

man: (some confused mutterings, trying to stick to his script but getting agitated)

me: (getting loud and arrogant): And don't come swaggering back in here thinking you are going to sweet-talk me into bed. I am not putting out for you any more, Tony.

man (now high-pitched and sounding panicked in a sing-song voice): Vat are you talking about?

me: (now very loud and getting raunchy when I hear a click and a dial tone).

First time I ever had a solicitor hang up on ME! There's a new scam going around where very aggressive men (presumably from foreign countries since they all have Indian accents) call and insist that something is being downloaded onto my computer. They insist that I must follow their directions so they can help but what they are doing is directing me to help them break into my computer where they will have access to all of my passwords every time I log into something, and God knows what else. They are aggressive and mean. They remind me that they know my address and recite it to make me feel threatened. (I grew up with older brothers - it doesn't work on me.) Please don't fall for it. This is the basic gist of what happened during a recent conversation in a barrage of calls this week:

me: Hello?

man: Ma'am, ma'am, you must hurry. Someone is breaking into your vindows and downloading onto your computer. Are you at your computer?

me: My windows are closed and locked. I don't see anybody breaking in!

man: No, ma'am, vindows on your computer. Can you turn your computer on?

me: Windows? No, I don't have Windows. I have an Apple.

man: Your Apple computer, ma'am, please turn it on.

me: I don't have Windows on my computer. I think you are confused.

man (aggressively): Who said anything about Vindows? I never said that. I said Apple. Turn your computer on, they are downloading viruses.

me: You did. You keep talking about windows this and windows that!


me: Well, I have my computer on. Nobody is downloading anything.

man: How do you know? Are you a technical person?

me: OH! You are calling for technical support? Sorry, you have the wrong number. I don't offer technical support and I don't install windows but I know a good contractor if you want his name.


me: OK, I have his number. Do you have a pen? Oh, wait, no. That number is for the guy who came and did some plumbing for me. I think his name was Paul. Do you know him? Because if you have something that is blocked he's actually pretty good. He is a little expensive but he works alone and he's kinda, well, a large man so it takes him a long time to crawl in and out of tight spaces, if you know what I mean. So if you can negotiate a cost for the job rather than an hourly rate, you would probably be a lot better off. But I'll go look for my contractor's number if you would rather just deal with your windows for now…. Hello? Hello?

Just a little fun on a rainy day…

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